


9 Songs for Sam and Dean

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Sam and Dean: Songs from the Heart [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Song Inspired, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 14:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3731479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was my first effort at Wincestizing the Supernatural series. Using the concept of 9 Songs from the movie with the same name, this work starts pre-Stanford and ends mid-Season 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Could It Be - Christy Carlson Romano

Sam looked down at the thick envelope in his hand. No doubt as to the point of origin based on size and post mark, not to mention the school’s logo: Stanford. Given the thickness of the envelope, it wasn’t a rejection letter. It had been months since he’d sent in his application. And this was it. All he had to do was open it. 

His eyes drifted to Dean’s bed. Dean. Sam sighed and closed his eyes. Dean. How could he leave Dean behind? He’d never spent a day without his older brother by his side, aside from the two weeks he ran away and the occasional hunting trip Dean took with their father. 

Dean was the only constant in his life; always there to hold him when he was scared, there to dry his tears when he cried. Dean took care of him when he was sick, he tended to his wounds. 

Dean had loved him like no one else on this earth.

And now Sam had to choose. That choice was made even more difficult due to Sam’s recent self-revelation: he didn’t just love his brother. No. 

He wanted his brother in a way brothers shouldn’t want each other. He loved Dean in a way a brother shouldn’t.

_I know we've been friends forever_  
But now I think I'm feeling something totally new  
And after all this time I opened up my eyes  
Now I see you were always with me 

_Could it be you & I_  
Never imagined  
Could it be suddenly I'm fallin' for you  
Could it be you were right here beside me and I never knew  
Could it be that it's true   
It's you and it's you 

Sam lay down on his bed, letter in hand, nearly forgotten as he thought about how Dean would take the news about him leaving for college. Sam couldn’t envision a scenario in which Dean would be thrilled. Best case scenario he’d be proud but not happy with Sam’s defection.

Worst case scenario, he’d never talk to Sam again.

Sam draped an arm over his eyes and thought about his newly discovered feelings for his older brother. It had started out innocently enough: Dean had teased Sam about his shaggy hair, going in to tousle it with his hand. 

Instead, Dean had threaded his fingers through Sam’s hair, lightly scratching his scalp and then trailing his fingers over the nape of Sam’s neck. While Dean laughed at his joke about Sam being a girl, Sam tried to hide his visceral reaction to the tingling of the skin of his neck. 

His brother’s touch had been electric and Sam was confused by reacting to it in the way he had. 

Dean had hugged, kissed, cuddled and touched Sam for his whole life and he’d never reacted as though he’d been struck by lightning before. Days later, Sam could still recall the sensation of Dean’s finger tips skimming along the skin at the base of his neck. Sam’s cock would get painfully hard every single time and he would be overcome with both shame… and an overwhelming desire to tell Dean how he felt.

Sam didn’t open the letter that night. Instead, he put it in the drawer of the nightstand next to the bed and thought about Dean.

When Dean came into the room later that evening, he looked down at a sleeping Sam. When he noticed the dampness of the pillow and the dried tear streaks down his brother’s face, Dean knew that Sam had made his decision about college. 

For yes, Dean had seen the thick envelope that had come from Stanford. He knew what it meant and knew which life Sammy would pick.

Sitting next to Sam on the bed, Dean reached over and gently traced the path Sam’s tears had made with his finger. Sam’s eyes fluttered open, unerringly finding Dean’s eyes. Dean laid his hand along Sam’s cheek and gave him a gentle smile. 

“It’s ok, Sammy. You’re choosing right – you are going to have a great life.” Dean whispered softly in the quiet of the room.

_It's kinda funny you were always near_  
But who would ever thought we'd end up here  
And every time I need you, you've been there for me  
Now it's clear I've been waiting for you 

_'Cause today is the start of the rest of our lives_  
I can see it in your eyes  
And it's real, and it's true  
It's just me and you  
Could it be that it's you 

Sam struggled to sit up, causing Dean’s hand to fall away. “What are you saying, Dean?”

Dean let out a long breath as he dragged his hand over his face. “I’m saying… go to Stanford, Sammy. You’re in. It’s what you want, so grab the opportunity.”

Sam looked down, biting his lip. “I’m not going, Dean.” he whispered.

Dean looked at Sam in surprise and then his expression turned to anger. Reaching out, he grabbed Sam’s shoulder. 

“You listen here, Sammy. You’re going. Don’t look back. You worked hard for this opportunity and you need to grab it with both hands. Don’t be stupid!” Dean’s heart broke as he did the right thing by encouraging Sam to go.

Dean felt his stomach lurch when tears started streaming down Sam’s face. Dean took Sam’s hand, pressing it to his heart. 

“Don’t cry, Sammy. C’mon, man… everything’s gonna be ok. We’ll be fine.” Dean knew that every day he’d think of Sam and miss him terribly, but he couldn’t let his need for his brother stop him from pursuing his dream.

Sam let out a shuddering breath. “I… I can’t leave you, Dean. I just can’t!”

Dean pulled Sam into a hug, fighting back tears and the desire to kiss his little brother senseless until the pain melted away. 

“You can leave me, Sammy.” Dean said, gently rocking him in his arms. “You can and you will, you hear me?”

Sam shook his head, tickling Dean’s chin with his unruly locks. “No… Dean… I just… I just want to be with you. I always have and I always will.”

Dean hugged Sam tighter. If Sam only knew the feelings he harbored for him, he may not feel the way about staying with Dean. Dean knew he had to let him go. For his own sanity, he needed Sam to go.

“It’s time for you to grow up, Sammy.” Dean closed his eyes against the pain. 

“My… reasons for wanting to stay… they are grown up, Dean.” Sam said quietly.

Dean leaned back, looking into Sam’s eyes. “Wanting to hang on to your older brother isn’t a grown up reason to stay, Sammy.”

Sam searched Dean’s eyes. He took a steadying breath and said, “I love you, Dean.”

Dean smiled at Sam. “Pain in the ass little brother.”

Sam’s face took on a serious look. “No… listen to me. I love you, Dean.” Sam put strong emphasis on the word love and tried to impart the true meaning behind those words with his eyes.

Dean’s face was covered in confusion and maybe a little fear. Dean was terrified that somehow Sam knew how he felt about him and that had… infected him somehow. “I… Sammy… I’m not…”

Sam leaned in and kissed Dean softly on the mouth. “I love you, Dean.” he murmured.

Dean closed his eyes, feeling tears gathering. “Sammy…” he whispered.

Sam moved forward to kiss Dean again but Dean held him at bay. Opening his eyes, he tried to tell Sam with his eyes that he loved him, too, but… 

“No, Sammy. It’s not right. We… can’t. I can’t let us… go there… so please… go to Stanford. Find a girl. Get married, have your 2.5 kids. Go be happy, little brother. Forget about us, ok?” Dean didn’t know if “us” referred to him and his father or him and Sam. Maybe both.

Sam reached for Dean, but Dean stood and stepped away from him. He couldn’t… he couldn’t hold his brother back and he couldn’t give into the feelings he’d buried so deep inside.

Sam let out a sob. “Dean… please… please… oh god… please don’t…”

Dean pressed a firm kiss at Sam’s temple. “I have to do this, Sammy. I need to stay and you need to go. It’s the only way, ok?”

Dean leaned down and placed a soft kiss at the corner of Sam’s mouth. “I love you, too, Sammy. I do. Just go though, ok? Please... I need you to go.”

Dean turned and left the room. Sam broke down in tears, aching for his brother. Sam loved Dean so much, he couldn’t imagine not being with him. 

Dean ran to where his father was passed out at the table. Grabbing his keys, Dean bolted out the door and jumped into the Impala. 

When Sam heard the Impala start up, he fought the urge to be sick, knowing that nothing would be the same between him and Dean. Maybe ever again. Clutching a pillow in his arms, Sam cried himself to sleep.

Dean sped off into the night, tears streaming down his face. 

Pain, so much pain. 

He loved his little brother beyond reason, beyond logic. He’d give anything to have his little brother with him. He dreamed of giving into the desire he felt for Sam. But he shouldn’t. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t take Sam’s future away from him. 

He had to let him go.

When Dean got back, he looked down on a sleeping Sam. He saw the puffy eyes, even in the dim moonlight filtering into the room. 

He’d broken his brother’s heart. 

As Dean grabbed pillows and a blanket from his bed, he leaned close and inhaled Sam’s scent, memorizing it. He knew he wouldn’t be close enough to smell his precious Sammy again. He wanted to remember that scent because it had always represented love for him.

Dean cried quietly as he laid down on the couch. Like Sam, he held a pillow close while his heart broke into a thousand pieces. When his tears stopped, he resolved to be strong for Sammy’s sake.

Dean stopped sleeping in their room, staying on the couch instead. 

John wondered but didn’t ask. He thought it was probably Sam growing up and getting some interests that didn’t involve Dean. Or maybe Dean felt he could back away now that Sam was an adult. 

John didn’t know it, but both of his sons cried themselves to sleep every night.

During the day, John could cut the tension with a knife. He watched one son watch the other until the one being watched noticed. 

The boys didn’t talk. 

John didn’t intervene. 

It was clearly more than growing pains, but he wasn’t one to meddle – as long as they were both doing their jobs. They were both adults. They’d work it out.

When Sam finally told him he was going to Stanford, everything made sense. John didn’t have time to fix it though. Or the desire. He’d watched Dean pull away from Sam – clearly upset about Sam’s decision to leave. John didn’t necessarily take Sam’s defection any better than Dean did, telling Sam that if he walked out the door, he could never come back.

Sam left for Stanford early. He couldn’t stand to be around Dean any longer. Too much tension. Too much longing. Too much pain. Too much want and far too much love.

He didn’t say good-bye and he didn’t call.


	2. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

John Winchester was dead.

Sam and Dean watched silently as their father’s body was consumed by the flames of a hunter’s burial. There were tears and pain but they still had each other and it was more important than ever that they stick together.

They never spoke about the weeks leading up to Sam’s departure for Stanford, but they each thought about it every day. In their motel room at night, they both feigned sleep, thinking about the other – so close and yet so very far away.

Then Sam was possessed by the demon they had known as Meg. Bobby had figured out how to break the binding spell, but Sam was horrified by his actions during the possession, terrified that he was turning evil. 

Repeatedly Sam had asked Dean to kill him so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But Dean couldn’t. And he realized that no matter what Sam did, he would never be able to do what his father had said he might have to do.

One night, in their motel room, Dean couldn’t hold back his feelings for Sam anymore.

  
_I can't fight this feeling any longer._  
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.  
What started out as friendship,  
Has grown stronger.  
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

_I tell myself that I can't hold out forever._  
I said there is no reason for my fear.  
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.  
You give my life direction,  
You make everything so clear.

Sam and Dean were both in their beds, facing away from each other. They were both thinking of the other, filled with want. Filled with need. Sam would never try to talk about it with Dean again. He’d had his heart broken once already. 

Dean had been holding back for so long, he couldn’t conceive of a way to move past what had happened before Sam went to Stanford. He held back with every fiber of his being, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

With moonlight streaming through the window of the motel, Dean rolled over until he was facing Sam’s bed. He could tell that Sam wasn’t sleeping.

Letting out a long sigh, Dean made a life altering decision. He left his bed and walked to Sam’s. Picking up the sheet and bedspread, he slid in behind Sam, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close.

“Sammy…” he breathed, kissing the sweet spot where Sam’s shoulder and neck came together.

Sam held himself stiffly. “What are you doing, Dean?”

Dean kissed Sam’s neck again. “Something I wish I had done a long time ago, little brother.”

Sam was outwardly unmoved, but inside, his emotions were turbulent and raw. “Why are you doing this, Dean?”

Dean placed a series of soft, moist kisses up Sam’s neck, ending behind his ear. “Because I’m in love with you, Sammy. And I want you. So much. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.”

  
_And even as I wander,_  
I'm keeping you in sight.  
You're a candle in the window,  
On a cold, dark winter's night.  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

_And I can't fight this feeling anymore._  
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.  
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,  
And throw away the oars, forever.

Dean felt Sam shiver. And then his shoulders were shaking, a sob ripping through his body.

Dean held Sam tighter, even as he started crying himself. “Oh Sammy… I’m so sorry. Turn over… please…”

“No… Dean… I can’t…” Sam whispered.

“Sammy, please… I love you… I need you… I can’t hide what I feel anymore.” Dean begged. “I don’t want to deny this anymore.”

Sam turned over and looked into Dean’s eyes. “Dean…” he moaned through his tears.

Dean grabbed his sweet Sammy’s face in his hands. “I love you so goddamn much, Sammy.” 

And then Dean kissed him. He kissed him with everything he’d held inside during the 6 intervening years. He moaned into his brother’s mouth, using his tongue and lips to love his brother as he’d dreamt of doing so many times before.

  
_Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore._  
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.  
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,  
Come crushing through your door,  
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

Dean ran his fingers through Sam’s hair, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. Their tears mingled as they kissed desperately, clutching at one another… moans and whimpers filled the room as they gave into a passion that had been denied for far too long.

Sam kissed across Dean’s cheek, pulling him into a tight hug. “Oh god… Dean… I never thought…”

“I know, Sammy. I thought I could let you go… but I can’t anymore. I don’t want to… just want you, little brother.” Dean recaptured Sam’s mouth and kissed him thoroughly. “Jesus, Sammy… you’re everything to me.”

Sam and Dean made love for the first time that night, binding their souls together for as long as they both were on the earth.

They had no idea that just 2 months later, Dean would be clutching Sam’s lifeless body in his arms, withering inside as he realized that he’d never be wrapped in his brother’s strong arms again.

After 24 hours of looking at his brother’s lifeless body, Dean knew what he needed to do.

A deal was struck and his sweet Sammy was returned to him – warm, alive and in his arms.

When Bobby found out what Dean had done, he cried. 

But it was too late.

When Sam found out later, he was devastated. And committed to finding a way to get Dean out of his deal. No matter what it took.


	3. Arms - Christina Perri

Sam worked diligently to find a way out of Dean’s deal. He ran up against roadblock after roadblock, but he never gave up, he never stopped trying.

Dean watched his little brother fight so hard for him and it broke his heart that he would be leaving Sam alone. But he knew that, of the two of them, Sam would be the one who could go on without him. He’d already proven that he couldn’t.

After he’d gotten Sam back, Dean cherished every night in his brother’s arms. In the quiet of the night they would love one another slowly, taking their time, covering every inch; taking each other inside their bodies, giving each other everything they had over and over.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?  
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

As the months dragged on and Sam continued to fail in his quest to undo what was already done, their lovemaking became more frenetic and desperate. Dean wanted to give Sam every bit of love he could before he was gone forever and Sam wanted to create as many memories of love as they could so that Dean could create a cocoon of love around himself when he no longer walked the earth. 

Each wanted to protect the other. It was in every touch, every kiss.

Dean watched Sam agonize over how to save him. Sam had always been the one good thing in his life. The one place where he could find love – even though he never really believed that he deserved the love Sam felt for him. Sam continued to find ways to show him the depth of his love every day, not the least of which were his efforts to negate Dean’s deal.

Time was running out. Every day brought them one step closer. The closer “the day” got, the more they rejected new cases in order to have more hours together. As they moved from place to place, they would hold hands or Sam would put his head in Dean’s lap in the car. Constant touching, rooted in love but borne of terror.

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved  
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go..._

As the remaining months turned into weeks and their time together waned, there weren’t enough words to say everything each man held inside. They further reduced their time on cases while Sam continued to search in desperation for a solution to invalidate Dean’s deal. 

When they weren’t on a case or researching, they made love. Face to face, tears mingling with every thrust, they sought refuge in each other’s arms. But the reality was that every time they moved together, they were getting closer and closer to Dean’s last day.

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I've never opened up  
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

Sam watched as the hell hound ripped into his brother’s body. His heart shattered, he wanted nothing more than to die right there. Crying over his brother’s sweet face, green eyes staring into an unknown abyss Dean could no longer see, Sam howled his pain.

He was broken.

Until the day his brother was resurrected by an angel and Dean showed up at the door of his motel room with Bobby. Sam grabbed Dean in disbelief. Feeling the warmth, his heartbeat, Sam was overwhelmed with emotion. 

With his brother wrapped tightly in his arms, he was once again whole.


	4. Watch Over You - Alter Bridge

Dean was different after returning from hell. There was a darkness inside him – and so much pain. Sam tried to love it all away, but something in Dean was missing or broken. Sam didn’t know which but he tried so hard to fix it. 

Sometimes love is not enough.

And then the demon blood addiction drove a wedge between them. 

Finding out that they were meant to be Lucifer’s and Michael’s vessels initially drove them further apart. But after 2009 Dean saw the reality of 2014 Dean, Dean pulled Sam back to his side and they wiped the slate clean of everything – at least for a while.

_Leaves are on the ground  
Fall has come  
Blue skies turning grey  
Like my love_

_I tried to carry you  
And make you whole  
But it was never enough  
I must go_

The love between Sam and Dean never died, but as they fought to stop the Apocalypse, they emotionally retreated from one another. They disagreed on approach – until Dean finally relented. Sam knew what he had to do; he had to put saving the world first, but all he worried about was leaving Dean alone when he took Lucifer into the pit.

They still made love but each touch was permeated with sadness, regret. There were tears – not of happiness or even pain – this was way past pain for both of them – the tears were for their lost future and the mistakes of the past. 

The betrayals, the lies, the subterfuge.

_Who is gonna save you  
When I'm gone?  
And who'll watch over you  
When I'm gone?_

_You say you care for me  
But hide it well  
How can you love someone  
And not yourself?_

The night before they left for Detroit, where Sam planned to say yes to Lucifer, Sam and Dean laid together in their motel room, cried out and defeated.

Dean traced the contours of his brother’s face, memorizing each line with both sight and touch. He murmured as his touched Sam. A continual stream of “I love yous” and “so beautifuls”… his heart breaking a little more with each one.

Tomorrow his brother – his soul mate – would be gone. Sammy would save the world, but he couldn’t save Dean. Sam had asked him to find Lisa and Ben and to have a life without him. Dean promised to try. He understood why Sam would suggest that – to a point. 

But they both knew it would never compare to their love and life together.

Sam sobbed as he slid deep into Dean’s body. Dean had no more tears, but Sam could feel his brother’s body shivering. He knew it was fear and sadness and horror all wrapped together. 

“Love you, Dean…” Sam whispered over and over as he claimed his brother’s body and heart one last time.

_And when I'm gone  
Who will break your fall?  
Who will you blame?_

_I can't go on  
And let you lose it all  
It's more than I can take  
Who'll ease your pain?  
Ease your pain_

They held each other through the night, neither willing to let go of the other. They’d doze but mostly they’d just hold each other tight, touching one another, whispering words of love, hoping to see one another again but each knowing that it was unlikely to be.

They showered together, tasting one another one last time. Their tears mingled with the water from the shower but it didn’t cleanse their souls of the pain.

They dressed silently and met up with Bobby and Cas. No one watched as Sam fueled up on demon blood. Dean had wanted to be by Sam’s side, but Sam wouldn’t allow it.

When Sam said yes to Lucifer, Dean initially thought things were under control until Lucifer laughed in his face. Dean nearly crumbled when Lucifer disappeared, taking his beloved Sammy with him.

_Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?  
Who'll watch over you?  
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.  
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?_

_Snow is on the ground  
Winters come  
You long to hear my voice  
But I'm long gone_

Dean drove the Impala into the cemetery where Lucifer and Michael stood ready to fight. 

“Hey Ass-Butt!” Cas shouted as he holy oil bombed Michael to give Dean time to reach Sam. Dean watched in horror as Lucifer, looking far too much like the one great love of his life, exploded Cas into thousands of pieces.

Yet still Dean tried to reach Sam.

When Lucifer broke Bobby’s neck, Dean nearly lost it. It was only the hope that his brother would triumph that kept him upright and reaching out for the man he loved.

When Lucifer, wearing the face of Dean’s brother and lover, began beating Dean, he found it surreal. He thought that even Salvador Dali couldn’t have created a weirder scene. 

“I’m not gonna leave you, Sammy.”

“I’m here, Sammy.”

A glint of reflected sun. A toy soldier stuffed in an ashtray. And then a cascade of memories. Sam always with Dean. Dean always with Sam. Faster and faster the images came until… Dean holding Sam tight. Freeze frame.

When Sam regained control of his body, he wanted so much to take his precious brother in his arms one last time. But his control was tenuous at best.

“It’s gonna be ok, Dean. I’ve got him.”

Dean’s broken face would be the last image Sam would have of this world. Sam looked into his brother’s one good eye and nodded. No words needed: an acknowledgement of everything they’d ever been to one another, everything they would always be; their love, their commitment, their pain… everything they’d ever shared.

Sam closed his eyes and let himself fall backwards.

_Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?  
Who'll watch over you?  
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.  
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?_

_Snow is on the ground  
Winters come  
You long to hear my voice  
But I'm long gone_

Dean felt part of him die as Sam pulled Michael wearing Adam as a meat suit into the pit with him. He was screaming, crying, dying inside. Nothing was right. Nothing ever would be right.

Cas could heal his face, but Cas couldn’t begin to heal his heart. 

Having Bobby back was something, but it would never be enough.


	5. Cradled In Love - Poets of the Fall

“Sammy’s gone.” Dean said to himself, over and over, as he drove through the night. He couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face. He held on tight to the memories. 

The first night they finally gave into the immense love and desire there was between them. 

Their first real “date”. 

The nights in the safety and love of each other’s arms. 

Sammy’s dimpled smile. 

The way Sam’s eyes turned blue when he cried or when they were full of passion – all for Dean.

Occasionally Dean would sob uncontrollably after pulling to the side of the road. He felt empty. And he was fucking angry. 

Why did he have to give Sam up to save the world? It wasn’t fair. He’d paid his dues in hell and now the only person who meant everything to him was being tortured for eternity, locked in a cage with Lucifer, and Dean was well and truly alone.

_You had the blue note sapphire eyes,  
To back up all those gazes  
To pierce my guard and to take my soul off to faraway places  
Told me I'll never be alone, _

_'Cause you're right there_

_We took a gamble with this love,  
Like sailing to the storm  
With the waves rushing over to take us,  
We were battling against the tide  
You were my beacon of salvation, _

_I was your starlight_

Lisa took Dean into her home, knowing that he was broken. She was determined to help him heal. She and Ben would love him and he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

Every morning when Dean woke up, his first thought was always of Sam. He ached for his brother. A Sam-sized hole could only be filled by Sam. 

Lisa tried so hard to help Dean, and he was grateful. He went through the motions of someone moving on, but he never let Lisa or Ben see him when he went off alone to cry at the injustice of it all.

Dean’s last thought before going to sleep was always of Sam. Lisa would cuddle up against him, which didn’t bring him the comfort she wanted it to. Instead, it reminded him that the long, lean lines and hard muscles of his brother were no longer there for him to touch gently, to kiss. 

His beautiful Sammy wasn’t there for him to roll over and sink into. 

Dean would take the physical love Lisa gave him, and he’d try to return it, focusing on the mechanics and not dwelling on the differences between her body and Sam’s. She was passionate with Dean and he tried hard to match it, but for him, everything was wrong. 

He missed Sam’s taste, his musk. He missed the way Sam would pin him down, holding his hands above his head as he’d drive his cock into Dean again and again. He missed the fire and the desperation of what he and Sam had shared.

Sometimes, when Lisa and Ben weren’t home, Dean would close his eyes and fuck himself with lubed up fingers. He’d imagine Sam inside him, filling him with his love. He’d stay with that image as long as he could until he came, harder than he ever did with Lisa, and then he’d sob into his pillow for a long while, moaning Sam’s name over and over.

_So don't cry for your love,  
Cry tears of joy  
'Cause you're alive cradled in love  
Don't cry for your love,  
Cry tears of joy  
'Cause you're alive cradled in love_

_I kept the love you gave me alive,  
And now I carry it with me  
I know it's just a tear drop from mother earth,  
But in it I can hear a dolphin sing  
Telling me I'll never be alone,_

_I know you're right there_

Dean dreamed of Sam. He didn’t know that Lisa knew. She knew when he dreamed about making love with his brother because Dean would moan Sam’s name as he’d slowly touch himself. Dean had never told her about the relationship he had with Sam, but she certainly could guess about it after being jarred awake by Dean’s guttural cry as he’d come in his boxers, his brother’s name on his lips.

Dean dreamed of Sam falling into the pit several times a week. Lisa would be ripped out of her sleep by Dean’s desperate cries of his brother’s name, followed by a series of nonononono… and then Dean would cry in his sleep.

On those nights, Lisa would lay awake, eyes fixed on the ceiling. After 6 months, she knew that she’d never heal Dean. 

She was never going to be enough.

As the months passed, Dean dreamed of Sam less frequently. Instead of every night, Sammy would appear in his dreams 4 – 5 times a week. It scared Dean to lose those 2 – 3 nights a week with the memories of his brother. 

He wondered if some day he wouldn’t dream of Sam at all. That thought was enough to send him into a panic attack. He had to keep Sammy’s memory alive. He had to ensure that their love stayed vibrant within him; if he didn’t, he knew he’d never have the strength to go on.

_So with the fire still burning bright,  
I wanna gaze into your light  
If I could see my fortune there,  
You know how flames can hypnotize  
Do I even dare to speak out your name for fear,  
It sounds like, like a lover_

_So don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
'Cause you're alive cradled in love  
Don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
'Cause you're alive cradled in love_


	6. Can't Let Go - Mariah Carey

  
_There you are, holding her hand_  
I am lost, dying to understand  
Didn't I cherish you right?  
Don't you know, you were my life?

_Even though I try, I can't let go_  
Something in your eyes captured my soul  
And every night I see you in my dreams  
You're all I love, I can't let go

Sam stood outside of Lisa’s house and watched Dean, smiling as Lisa touched his shoulder as he sat at the table. Dean had done as Sam had asked. Sam knew he should feel jealousy as he watched Lisa touch his brother’s shoulder, but he didn’t feel anything. Not really.

Cas watched Sam watch Dean. He’d expected Sam to stride up to the door and take Dean in his arms. Instead, Sam observed with a cool detachment. When Sam turned and walked away, Cas took one last look at Dean and followed with a perplexed look on his face.

As time passed, Sam still couldn’t exactly feel things, but he could remember how he felt. He never slept but sometimes the memories were so vivid, it felt like he was dreaming while awake.

When he had sex with women, and occasionally men, he’d think of Dean as he’d slam his cock into whichever orifice he had it buried. He never once thought of the person he was with – instead, he would get lost in the memories of Dean’s lips and tongue on him. He’d moan when he thought of the way his brother would tighten around his cock as Dean’s orgasm ripped through him.

He didn’t feel love – but he remembered it and longed for it. He longed for his brother.

Sam had been away from Dean for a year when the djinn changed the course of his life and Dean’s.

Dean was hurt. He didn’t understand how Sam could have made him suffer without him for so long. The hurt wasn’t enough to keep Dean away from Sam though. And Sam, even without a soul, loved Dean in the night with his body. He used the memories from before to guide him and his body knew exactly how to love the man beside him.

Despite the passion they shared, Dean knew something wasn’t right. It was the little things that clued him in. The smile that didn’t reach Sam’s eyes. The cool, assessing look on his face instead of the furrowed brow indicating that Sam was processing something or worried. 

The way Sam said “I love you” as Dean entered his body… with Dean always feeling like the intensity of the love wasn’t there behind the passion.

_Just cast aside, you don't even know I'm alive_  
You just walk on by, don't care to see me cry  
Here I am, still holding on  
I can't accept my world is gone, no, no 

_Even though I try, I can't let go_  
'Cause something in your eyes captured my soul  
And every night I see you in my dreams  
You're all I love, I can't let go 

When Cas discovered that Sam’s soul was gone, everything made sense. Dean found a way to get Sam’s soul back, with Death’s assistance.

The Sam that awoke and pulled Dean into a tight embrace was the Sam that Dean had been longing to hold against him. The first night they were together, Sam made love to Dean. Slowly, sweetly, full of love. Dean cried his way through it, wondering how he could have been duped by the empty shell that had been Sam without his soul. 

The gentle touches, the achingly sweet caresses… the love. Dean would never regret the decision he made to get Sam’s soul back. He’d dealt with his brother when he didn’t have a soul, so happy to have a warm, breathing Sam in his arms, he’d pushed down his feelings of wrongness because he wanted his brother to be right.

Now that Sam was right, Dean felt hope again. 

Until Cas broke down his wall – broke his brother, shattered him into a million pieces.

Dean watched his brother suffer and it broke his heart. There were times when he thought he’d lose Sam to the madness. Those times filled him with dread.

_Oh no, I just can't get you out of my mind_  
I never can say goodbye  
'Cause every night I see you in my dreams  
You're all I love, I can't let you go 

Dean watched as Sam healed himself, reunifying his fractured soul. He felt helpless as he watched Sam get lost in his own mind. If Sammy didn’t make it through this, Dean knew that was it. He’d never be able to go on without his brother again.

So he watched, he waited. He talked to Sam, telling him how much he loved him. Begging Sam to come back to him.

When Sam finally awoke, he was tormented by Lucifer. Dean found ways to drive Lucifer away. In the night, he’d fill Sammy up with his love, taking him gently, their eyes locked. Sam would repeat “This is real” over and over like a mantra. 

Only his brother was real.

It was Dean’s touch that kept Sam grounded, whether he touched his hand or drove his cock into Sam – only Dean could touch Sam’s soul.

They fought the Leviathan together. And then they lost Bobby. Sam and Dean clung to one another in the night, both of their fathers gone forever. 

They were all they had left.

And then Dean and a contrite Cas were gone, too.


	7. In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge

It was weeks before Sam could make it through a day without crying. His beloved brother – the only true love he’d ever known – was gone. Sam went through stages: disbelief, bargaining – the belief that he would find Dean, despair, devastation, depression and then… he was empty.

Every day was a burden but he kept going, still believing deep down inside him that his brother would eventually be returned to him. It couldn’t possibly end with him just disappearing into the ether… could it? No. He wouldn’t accept that so he allowed a tiny part of him to be the keeper of hope while the rest of him missed his brother, keeping his stomach in a perpetual state of unrest.

_Thanks for all you've done  
I've missed you for so long  
I can't believe you're gone  
You still live in me  
I feel you in the wind  
You guide me constantly_

_I've never knew what it was to be alone, no  
Cause you were always there for me  
You were always there waiting  
And I’ll come home and I miss your face so  
Smiling down on me  
I close my eyes to see_

_And I know, you're a part of me  
And it's your song that sets me free  
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on  
I sing tonight cuz it comforts me_

Sam went through the motions of having a life, finding a kindred lost soul in a unfriendly vet named Amelia. They had their pain and they let each other carry the load so they could make it through the day. 

But it was never right. 

When Amelia sat in the passenger seat of the Impala, Sam couldn’t look over at her without wanting to scream, “It’s not right!” 

When Amelia complained about the cassettes Sam would listen to, he’d turn up the music to drown out her complaints.

When Sam saw Amelia holding the amulet, studying it, he ripped it out of her hands, telling her to never touch it again. 

She didn’t have to ask to whom it had belonged.

When Sam closed his eyes as he loomed over her in the dark, she told herself it was from the passion of the love they were sharing… but deep down she knew it wasn’t her face he saw behind his eyelids. 

It wasn’t her body he was loving.

_I carry the things that remind me of you  
In loving memory of  
The one that was so true  
You were as kind as you could be  
And even though you're gone  
You still mean the world to me_

_I've never knew what it was to be alone, no  
Cause you were always there for me  
You were always there waiting  
But now I come home and it's not the same, no  
It feels empty and alone  
I can't believe you're gone_

_And I know, you're a part of me  
And it's your song that sets me free  
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on  
I sing tonight cause it comforts me_

When the call came about her husband, Sam was secretly glad. He wanted to hold on – and told her so – but it wasn’t _her_ he wanted. It was _someone_. 

Sam didn’t want to be alone. 

Ultimately though, he left because it wasn’t right to use Amelia that way.

And then Dean was back.


	8. Letting the Cables Sleep - Bush

On his drive to Montana, Sam imagined being back with Dean. He imagined that the first night they were together, they wouldn’t stop touching each other. They would make love all night long, holding each other close – crying tears of joy and pain and loss. They would take back what they had had before Dean disappeared. 

Sam thought everything would go right back to where they left off.

But it didn’t happen like that.

Dean came back from Purgatory a different man. Friends with a vampire, full of despair for having failed to bring Cas out of Purgatory with him. Sam’s spirit had been broken and he couldn’t face what he had gone through when Dean first disappeared. 

To avoid talking about it, Sam told Dean he had done as they’d always agreed: he hadn’t looked. He lied because he couldn’t relive those days of anguish.

It was the wrong thing to say.

Dean went off to help Benny and Sam couldn’t believe how the man he loved had changed. 

Things weren’t right, and they didn’t talk about it. Surprisingly, Dean would sometimes try – but Sam couldn’t deal with the pain. They just grew further apart.

_You in the dark  
You in the pain  
You on the run   
Living a hell   
Living your ghost   
Living your end  
Never seem to get in the place that I belong   
Don't wanna lose the time  
Lose the time to come _

_Whatever you say it's alright  
Whatever you do it's all good  
Whatever you say it's alright  
Silence is not the way  
We need to talk about it   
If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way_

When Dean tricked Sam with a fake text from Amelia in order to save Benny, Sam felt betrayed in a way he never had before. He was angry.

Time passed and Sam found he couldn’t stay perpetually angry with his brother. They’d lay next to one another in the night, not touching, and it would break his heart. Night after night, the distance threatened to become permanent.

And then one night, Dean moved in close behind Sam, pulling him into his arms. No words were exchanged but the love they shared started to thaw the ice around their hearts.

When Dean asked Sam to be in or out – with him or with Amelia – Sam left him alone and went off to think. For him, the choice wasn’t Dean or Amelia. Dean would always win in that match up. 

The choice was between Dean and not Dean. Between hunting and going off to find a new life, leaving hunting behind.

Sam’s decision was made before he’d walked out on Dean. But he owed it to himself to truly consider his options. He owed it to Dean, too. If he walked back in that door and chose Dean then he knew that he would never be able to undo it. 

Dean was asking him for a life-long commitment. He didn’t have to say it – but it was there in his eyes. His expression had begged “Don’t leave me.”, even as his words said Sam was free to choose.

_You in the sea  
On a decline  
Breaking the waves   
Watching the lights go down  
Letting the cables sleep _

_Whatever you say it's alright  
Whatever you do it's all good  
Whatever you say it's alright   
Silence is not the way   
We need to talk about it   
If heaven is on the way   
We'll wrap the world around it  
If heaven is on the way   
If heaven is on the way_

Dean said goodbye to Benny and Sam let go of his desire for a life without hunting.

The pure relief in Dean’s eyes as Sam walked back in through the door was what Sam needed to see. He pulled Dean into a tight hug, holding on for everything he was worth.

“I choose you, Dean. Always.” Sam whispered.

Dean cried as Sam held him. They still had things to talk about, but now they were on the same page and could build on that.

Sam took Dean’s hand and led him to their bed, pulling him down onto it with him. They rediscovered the love they’d shared for so long, tentatively at first; carefully… until the passion overcame them and they loved each other as they had for so long. Frenetic, electric… moans and gasps. Whispered words of love, devotion.

Out of the bed, there were still moments when they struggled, but their love was unbreakable.

And when it became clear that Sam would be the one to undertake the trials as they closed the gates of hell, without saying a word, they let everything go – wiping the slate clean. They didn’t know what the future would bring, but because they were who they were, they figured it would only bring pain for one or both of them so they lived in the now – loving each other through their nights, holding on to what they had with an underlying desperation.


	9. Lovesong - The Cure

“Where are you, man?”

Dean had prayed to Cas – asking, no begging, him to watch over his little brother as he went through the trials to close the gates of hell.

Sam walked in a few minutes later and smiled. Dean was leaning up against the pillows, reading a book. He wore his glasses, which Sam found extremely sexy. Nothing better than a smart-looking, sweet talking Dean.

Dean glanced up. “What’re you smiling at, Sammy?”

Sam took the book from Dean’s hand, marking the page and laying it on the night stand. He leaned down, kissing Dean as he removed his glasses. 

“You, Dean. You make me smile.” Sam slid under the covers, drawing Dean close to him. “You’re so damn sexy, Dean. Especially with your glasses. There’s no way I can resist you.”

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam, closing the gap between them. “I can’t resist you either, Sammy.” 

Dean kissed Sam gently and they sighed into one another’s mouths. 

Sam held Dean close to him, letting his hands travel up and down his brother’s body. 

“Light at the end of the tunnel, Dean. I just want us to get there together. I want us to… settle down some. Spend more time not hunting, you know?”

Dean nodded. “I know, Sammy. We deserve a break. We deserve time together just for us.”

Sam rolled over and pulled Dean on top of him. “We do,” he murmured into Dean’s lips. “I need you, Dean… inside me, please…”

Dean kissed Sam deeply as he carefully prepped him. When Sam couldn’t stand another minute without Dean inside him, Dean positioned himself between Sam’s legs and slid his cock straight and deep into his brother, capturing Sam’s mouth in a passionate kiss as he buried himself completely inside the only person he’d ever really loved. 

“Feels like home, Sammy…” he murmured against Sam’s lips.

Sam pulled Dean more tightly against him, humming his agreement. 

“Mmmm… Dean… feels so fucking good…”

_whenever I'm alone with you you make me feel_  
like i am home again whenever i'm alone with  
you you make me feel like i am whole again 

_whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel_  
like i am young again whenever i'm alone with  
you you make me feel like i am fun again 

_however far away i will always love you however_  
long i stay i will always love you whatever  
words i say i will always love you i will always  
love you 

As Dean exploded inside Sam, he moaned, “Oh god… Sammy…”

Sam groaned in response, using his legs to hold Dean deep inside him and his arms to pull him close. “Love you, Dean… so much… god…”

They collapsed together, sated and happy, holding each other tight.

After a few minutes, Dean rolled to the side, never letting go of Sam. Dean nestled against his brother, laying his head on Sam’s shoulder. He reached out and took Sam’s hand, bringing it to his lips to place a soft kiss in his palm. 

Pressing Sam’s hand against his heart, Dean whispered, “I will always love you, Sammy. Through space, time… everything. Wherever I am, it doesn’t matter. Wherever you are – still doesn’t matter.”

Sam pulled Dean tighter against him, gently kissing his cheek. “Me too, Dean. I will always love you.”

Sam and Dean lost themselves in the love that saved the world.

_whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel_  
like i am free again whenever i'm alone with  
you you make me feel like i am clean again 

_however far away i will always love you however_  
long i stay i will always love you whatever  
words i say i will always love you i will always  
love you 


End file.
